National Coming Out Day: Staff stories

For this year's National Coming Out Day, two of our staff share their own personal experiences and stories on the impact coming out can have.

“National Coming Out Day” who knew? – Rhys Davies

As a fully paid up Co-founder of the Rainbow Alliance I wasn’t aware a National “Coming Out Day” existed until recently, and frankly I initially felt the event was in danger of presenting an oversimplification of a much more complex process.

After all for many LGBTQ people “Coming out” isn’t making a one off announcement to everyone, conducted to the soundtrack of “I am what I am” or “Born this way”… depending on your age!  Our community is often painfully aware that you decide to “Come Out” many times throughout your life, in sometimes tough and exposing situations, or sometimes not coming out at all.

With this in mind, I thought how can I put a positive spin on a concept I find problematic to say the least?

Well, after doing a bit of reading about why the event was set up, its history and the reasons behind it, I realised it’s still hugely relevant and necessary.  As a mental health professional, who is also a gay man, I know the impact that “Coming out” and how people respond to this can have on the mental health of LGBTQ individuals.

National Coming out Day was established at the end of the 1980s, a decade in which many countries including the UK were persecuting and discriminating against LGBTQ people on a continuous basis in every sphere of their lives.  As a teenage gay man during the 1980s I felt I had no choice but to hide an important part of my identity as best as I could to protect myself from the relentless violence, abuse, and discrimination I witnessed against those who were “outed” often with no control over that process.

Reading the contemporary tabloid headlines from 1988 about LGBTQ people, the same year National Coming Out Day was established, most of them would now be classed a hate crime as they are so toxic. This was also the year the infamous Clause 28 was passed, making it illegal to “promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship”.  1988 also saw the LGBTQ community being ravaged by HIV and AIDS.

“Coming out” in 1988 carried the risk of being ostracised, sacked or killed, and was a hugely courageous act.  What could this act achieve, conducted against such a backdrop of hate and derision?  Well witnessing people stand up and declare that they are not ashamed and are indeed PROUD of their sexual orientation or gender identity, despite the responses of others, gave me hope, a lift, a sense of belonging to a community and role models to look up to.

The “Coming out” process enables people to control what they wish to say about their sexual orientation or gender identity and how they wish to do it. How individuals and organisations respond when someone “comes out“ has an impact, positive or negative, on the mental health of those individuals. That is why I am so proud that this Trust is marking National Coming Out Day because it sends a powerful message that we positively welcome service users, members and staff who are LGBTQ, and we encourage them to talk about their identities.

This helps make our continuous “coming out” process a little easier, and believe me every little helps!

My partners having a hysterectomy! – Helen Thompson

It seems such a long time ago when I first came out directly to my Manager, in a job I`d only just started in Sparkbrook, Birmingham.  It was in 2000, twenty years ago!

I`d walked in a march against Clause 28 while identifying as straight in 1988,  but by 1989 I knew I wouldn’t identify, or be restricted to being straight again, and although I was “out on the scene” from 1992, I wasn’t out at work until some years later.

What was I afraid of before coming out work? It was a long time ago, but perhaps some of the reasons why it was an issue to deal with then are the same as now. Would I be treated differently?  Would I be seen as weird or deviant, or a threat to some people or communities I was working with? Would I be disliked or not trusted? Would people see me as me, as opposed to as a label or category?

So what helped me feel more at ease to come out at work? Thinking back, it was both the people and the organisation I worked at.  I’d just started a new job as Community Facilitator for a forward thinking Housing Association and I’d just seen their equality and diversity policy.  It mattered that sexual orientation was listed as what would now be called a protected characteristic, so at least on paper the organisation did not discriminate against lesbian or gay people!

I`d also met my new manager during my interview.  She seemed relaxed and I felt I could trust her.  My social circumstances helped too, I was older, white, in an established relationship, and had a great network of friends and activities.  My mental health was pretty good and I felt resilient enough to cope with prejudice, strange questions or stares.

However, I was also quite anxious about my partner’s forthcoming operation and I wanted time off to drive her to the hospital and be able to collect her the next day.  I was aware of the risks that sometimes occur with general anaesthetic and I wanted her to recover well.  At times, I`d hidden my partners gender at work  by using gender neutral terms, but now, I wanted to be transparent and reveal that aspect of my life.

Coming out at work went well. I was able to say that my partner was a woman, she was having a hysterectomy and get time off.  I was also able to be more fully open about my life and be known more fully as who I am.

If you need more advice or support please contact our Rainbow Alliance at rainbow.lypft@nhs.net or visit our webpage for more information.