Only by getting help can we thrive and be proud mums.

As part of Maternal Mental Health Week, two of our service users have written a blog about their experience

Leyla (37) is in a same sex relationship and married to her beautiful 45-year-old wife Mirella. They are parents to their two-year-old son Mateo.

As part of Maternal Mental Health Week, Leyla and Mirella tell the story of their journey of parenthood and how the challenges they dealt with along the way.

Leyla – Mirella and I were both born in Peru and lived there most of our lives until we moved to the UK eight years ago. I met Mirella when I was 17 years old and instantly fell in love with her and told her that I was going to marry her and have her babies. Mirella reciprocated this love, and we have both been together for 20 years now.

Being in a same sex relationship has its difficulties as we were seen by some people in our families and local community as challenging the cultural norms. My family in particular were against me being in a relationship with a female and said things like…

“It’s forbidden, it should be a man and a woman in a relationship, it’s a sin. You can be normal if you dump her!”

Mirella’s family however were a little bit more accepting of our relationship as they don’t mind who she is in a relationship with, as long as she is happy.

My family tried to split us and took me to Spain away from Mirella. After 1 ½ years I managed to find a sponsorship for Mirella to move to Spain and we were able to move in together and start a fresh life and rekindle our relationship. We lived in Spain for 12 years, struggling to find jobs until we decided to move to England to start a new life. I always wanted to move to England because I felt there would be better opportunities for us and it’s very multicultural.

Mirella – I never felt prepared to have a baby. I have nephews so I knew how hard it can be to have children and that’s why at first, I didn’t want to have kids.

Leyla – When we decided the time was right for us to try and have a baby, we went to our GP and explained our situation. The GP was amazing, and he listened to us; it was like a sign from god to us. I had endometriosis and was really worried I would have problems conceiving. We were referred to Bradford to the fertility team which is free on the NHS for LGBTQ+ parents. We had an IVF donor conception in which we had the choice of choosing from two males via the website – the match we found for my health complications was from Denmark. The only thing that mattered to us was that we wanted Mateo to be tall and that’s all we looked out for when choosing the right match.

I always wanted to be the one to carry the baby, therefore that was an easy decision for us, especially as Mirella was recovering from cancer at the time. We conceived on the first try. I was really excited and happy throughout my pregnancy.

Mirella – I felt really happy when Leyla fell pregnant, but I was a little more cautious and suggested we waited until three months before telling everyone. I made a video to show my family our exciting news and everyone was very happy for us.

Leyla – It took me longer to tell family about my pregnancy because I thought they wouldn’t be happy for me but when I did finally open up to them and shared the news, my mum was very happy and she showed everyone our scan pictures.

Support was minimal from professionals at this stage and we weren’t aware of any other LGBTQ+ couples who were in a similar situation to us who we could talk to. The only support we both received was from our friends and each other.

I felt unwell when I was due to give birth to our baby and received a call from the doctor who informed I would need to have a C-Section. There was no consultation provided, I felt scared, I didn’t want to have a C-Section, the doctors didn’t listen to me, I felt my baby wasn’t ready for this due to the position he was laid in. I felt pressured by the consultant to go ahead with this decision despite being unhappy about it but I didn’t want to cause harm to my baby, so I went along with it.

Mirella – After Leyla gave birth, she started bleeding heavily. I was afraid Leyla wouldn’t wake up. There was no professional present in the room to help me or provide me with any reassurance that Leyla was going to be okay. Eventually the bleeding stopped, and Leyla was well enough to go home the following day.

Leyla – Breastfeeding was always important to me, but my mental health wasn’t good. I didn’t want to recognise this in the beginning. I didn’t want to give formula milk to my baby, and I stood my ground on this. I spoke to my midwife about this and although she gave me advice, nobody picked up my body wasn’t producing enough milk, so my baby was in danger. Mirella supported me by topping up Mateo with formula milk in between feeds which really helped. This advice was provided by the health visitor.

In regard to my mental health all I kept hearing from others was:

“I’ve done this with seven kids, how can you not do this with one child?”

 “You need to be a perfect mum, be able to cook, be the perfect wife, have food ready.”

We had an amazing health visitor who kept asking me if I was okay despite me lying to her and saying I was. She noticed that I wasn’t okay and referred me to the perinatal service. She didn’t give up on me and I’m grateful to her.

I felt ashamed before getting help, I felt I should be grateful for a child, how is it possible I am unwell?

When I joined the Diverse Mums’ Group, I didn’t want to put my camera on at first, but everyone was open and honest in the group, I felt I wasn’t alone. Other playgroups can make you feel like you are the crazy one, but this was very different.

I had counselling which I loved, it helped me understand my traumatic life and helped me get better.

Both Mirella and I have come across many stereotypes along our parenting journey. Mirella’s family have been more accepting than my family at times.

They would say things like; “he’s a boy, who’s going to show him how to wee and play football?” “Why is he playing with dolls?”

We both ignore these kinds of comments, because we know we are really good parents and have the ability to teach Mateo everything he needs to know in life.

Advice we would like to give other lesbian couples and health professionals:

• There is a lot of stigma in different cultures about mental health but it’s normal and important we talk about it, especially when you conceive and during your pregnancy.
• Early intervention about breastfeeding is important and must be provided to all parents.
• Provide help and support to birthing people once they go home after having the baby. We don’t want others to feel abandoned like we did.
• We had expectations within our culture to have at least three children but don’t respond to that pressure. Conceiving can be a difficult process.
• Professionals need to provide information on perinatal mental health at an earlier stage within pregnancy. “Don’t hide the truth so I don’t blame myself”.

Early intervention for mental health is a must! We have high expectations in our communities that we must be successful, be married by the age of 30, have children, be a good wife. We can feel alone despite being surrounded by our own community. Only by getting help can we thrive and be proud mums.