WREN Stories: It's ok, you're not alone

Heidi Fleary, Clinical Engagement, Access and Inclusion co-ordinator talks about how the pandemic has affected her both as a single parent working from home and as an advocate for good mental health in BAME communities.

As a single mother of pre-schooler, let’s just say the last 4 years haven’t been easy. I have learned to accept the bittersweet reality of single parenthood, but never did I let the exhaustion and stress of it all stop me from trying to do better for my son and I.

Everything seemed to be falling into place. My son was happy at pre-school and in a good routine. I had started a new job, one which I had dreamt of, and I was starting to have one night a month out! Things just seemed wonderful.  Then just when I  was starting to reflect on the past 4 years and how far I’d come, the Covid-19 pandemic happened and derailed everything.

I was so excited and keen to develop my new role. Ever since I was a student nurse, my passion has been looking at the health needs of minority ethnic groups and seeking to understand why inequalities prevail within such communities. I felt really positive that I was going to make a difference and help shape more inclusive services. Then literally, one week into it everything stops.

I was fortunate to be able to work from home with my little one in tow, but while I was satisfied that my son was safe and at home with me, the overwhelming reality began to kick in. How on earth would I manage working from home, home schooling my son, and generally taking care of everything else single-handedly? In times like this, I wonder why me?

A few weeks on and try as I may, I literally feel up the proverbial creek without a paddle. To make matters worse it’s clear that BAME communities are being disproportionately affected by the pandemic although I can’t say I’m surprised! So here I am, a mixed-heritage, half black Caribbean, half white British, single mother trying to promote good mental health and engage BAME communities in Leeds, while I’m also full of anxiety, stressed out and exhausted.

For the first time in my life I am now experiencing how it feels to worry about speaking out about my mental health, and I have some insight into why other BAME people may feel fearful of services or misunderstood. Will my worries and concerns be deemed too far-fetched if I express them? Will I be labelled as delusional, or will anyone listen and help me try to make some sense of what’s happening? Will people understand my concerns about my ethnicity? Dare I be brave and just say it out loud?

This pandemic is creating so many questions, many of which people cannot answer. Nevertheless, to be heard and understood is empowering.

It feels like now more than ever my role is absolutely vital, but I’m unable to reach out to those who, like me, could benefit from a listening ear and someone who understands. To talk openly about feeling vulnerable is okay. Being a mental health nurse I know this is ok, but even for me it’s difficult. For me it’s about someone who will take a walk in my shoes for a few minutes, not sympathy. Someone who can look at the bigger picture and reassure me that what I’m experiencing is normal. That’s what helps.

As for support I do chat with friends and colleagues and family when I can. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way and it’s amazing when you do speak to people who feel the same. You realise you’re not alone. Obviously, cuddles from my son are the best, and his little funny moments really brighten up my day. Seeing him happy and healthy reassures me that I must be doing something right. I find exercise and gardening helps. I hear talking to plants helps, not that I’ve tried it!

I guess this highlights the inter-sectionality in my case, between being a mixed-heritage, single mother of a young child with little social support and with heightened levels of anxiety and increased risk of being affected by Covid-19. Luckily, I am in good physical health, but I still feel pretty vulnerable right now.

It all goes to show how culture, race, ethnicity and identity all have significance in a person’s lived experience and how this could influence the way difficulties are expressed, dealt with, and in seeking help. I just hope that this pandemic, brings about real, positive change for our BAME communities in terms of health and social disadvantage, and as health professionals we can gain  better understanding of its impact and how we change our approaches to care.