Hikmat's blog for World Mental Health Day - It’s Okay to Ask for Help!
Hikmat ElEdelbi is a mum with our Diverse Mum's Group - her message is 'It's OK to ask for help'...
Yes, please read that again, contrary to what we might believe, or have been brought up to believe, it’s okay to ask for help! Maybe growing up with a certain background and in a certain culture we were taught, or hinted at, that if you had a mental illness something was wrong with you. As women and mothers we are taught to push through to be the tough one that puts her own needs aside to be able to give to others. But I will say this, nothing is wrong with you, you are not less of a person if you feel like something is not right, you don’t have to push these feelings to the side, you are important, and again it is okay to ask for help!
I personally grew up in the Arab culture, where feelings were not talked about much, where mental illness was not discussed, and where the women had to be strong and push through because she needed to take care of the kids. When I got pregnant with my second I was hit with a wave of emotions. At first I thought I was just scared to have 2 under 2 because my daughter was still so little when I got pregnant again. I thought my fears and worrying were just my way of trying to process the idea of having to raise two littlies far away from family and any support system. I cried for months and didn’t feel like I was having a connection with my baby that was growing inside me like I did with my first. But I just pushed my feelings to the side, thinking that I just had to push through and that the connection and bond will come in time. I found myself getting angry fast, being upset and crying almost every day. I didn’t find joy in the everyday things, but again I just thought I was tired, being pregnant and having a toddler.
When my son was born I waited for weeks to connect with him, but I never felt that strong connection like I did with my first. At my 6 weeks check-up as I was heading out the door the GP just said, “How are you feeling, you okay?” I said “I’m okay, it’s not that great, I find myself upset a lot and tired, it’s tough.” He replied “It’s probably a lot of hormones, you just gave birth things should settle soon.” I just said okay and walked out the door. I knew something wasn’t right, I felt like I wasn’t myself, not acting right, not feeling right, I couldn’t connect with my son. I found myself finding any excuse to give him to my husband when he wasn’t nursing, I would find any excuse not to hold him as much, I didn’t understand what was going on, but I pushed through thinking I was just tired, having 2 littlies and it will pass. It never passed, it only got worse. I saw the signs, but for another 6 months I didn’t ask for help. The feeling of being overwhelmed got worse, I would scream and shout and the rage I felt was unimaginable. I couldn’t sleep, I would lay awake for hours in the middle of the night, and I felt my skin crawl every time any of my children hugged or touched me. That’s when I knew something was very wrong and I needed to get help. I did my fair share of research to make sure that I wasn’t “overreacting” and that it wasn’t “the hormones” and every test I took, every article I read about postpartum depression (PPD) made me feel like I can relate to this!
After a year of struggling I finally found the courage to call my GP and ask for help. The phone call was hard, I cried and couldn’t get my words together, I felt like a failure and a bad mother, I felt like I failed my children. The GP was really nice on this first phone call, she was supportive, but after 20 minutes of talking and describing what I was going through she told me we need to try all “natural remedies” before we could go for medication. I did tell her that I would not ask for medication if I hadn’t tried everything and thought I really needed it and that I’ve hit rock bottom. But then she said how about we try natural remedies again, like take a walk, take a calming bath, and other “natural things” that should help, and she said she would call next week to see how I was doing. She called the next Monday, but with any depression you have highs and lows, she called on a good day, and because of the response I got the first time I thought okay maybe it is in my head, so I said I was doing well, and she said she would call the next week again. After that call things got bad, and she called the next week but I didn’t answer, so she left a voicemail saying that it seems like I’m doing okay and that if I needed to talk to give them a call back and that she wouldn’t call again. That’s when I thought I was overreacting, I felt like my request wasn’t taken seriously and that I just had to deal with this on my own. But 2 weeks passed and I just felt I couldn’t cope anymore, I felt like things were getting worse, fights with my husband, not being able to handle the everyday, shouting at my children for not real reason just that I was angry, so I found the courage and contacted the GP once again.
That was another tough phone call. I had to go through everything again, describe everything again, cry and try to hold myself together as I described how I was feeling and how I felt like I was failing at being a mother. After another 30 minutes of exhausting emotions this GP finally said okay we will get you on medication. I felt relieved and like I was finally being listened to. He said to give it a day and that I would be able to pick up the prescription the next day. I called the pharmacy every day for 3 days and they said there was nothing from the GP and they told me to check with the GP again. I felt defeated, I was drained and felt like I didn’t want to ask for help anymore. A week later my husband told me if I didn’t want to talk to the GP then we had to find another way because it was obvious that things were not okay. So I mustered up the courage for the 3rd time and called the GP again. When I spoke to the GP he told me: “Oh yes sorry I cannot prescribe the medication myself we need to send you to a postnatal psychiatrist so that they can evaluate you first.” I was in shock honestly, I didn’t know what to say, and then my frustration took hold. I told the GP: “So you physically need to send me to someone that will see me break down in front of them, and have to go through all of this again and describe how I’m feeling for the 100th time to finally get some help. I am breastfeeding and would never ask for this if I didn’t really need it, I would never want to take anything that would affect my baby, but I’ve reached rock bottom and I know that I need help.” All he said was that he was sorry and this is how we had to do things. I said okay and a week later I got a letter to meet a postnatal psychiatrist.
I finally met with the postnatal psychiatrist, it was the hardest 2 hours of my life, I cried my eyes out, poured my soul out, and laid everything on the table. It was so difficult for me to describe everything again, to talk about all this and to admit that I was having problems and I needed help, especially coming from a background where mental illness was taboo, and emotions weren’t talked about much. In the first 5 minutes the psychiatrist told me it was very clear that I needed help and that she is so sorry it took over 2 months to get the help I needed. That was the point when things changed, I started my medication and started to get the support I needed. As the medication started to take effect I started to feel like my old self again and that’s when I started to wish I had asked for help earlier. I was able to connect with my son after 8 months, I was able to enjoy being around my children and enjoy their hugs and physical contact. I was able to smile and feel like life was good again. I remember going on a walk one morning looking up and smiling and thinking “I feel happy, I haven’t felt this way in so long.” And then I met the great Diverse Mum’s Group and it was such a breath of air to be able to connect with other mums that have gone and are going through what I was going through. There was an instant connection and bond and a feeling of “Oh I’m not alone.”
What I’m trying to say with all of this is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE and ITS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP! Nothing is wrong with you, contrary to what others say, or what you were brought up to believe. Mental illness is just as real as physical illness. Medication for depression or anxiety is just as needed as medication for blood pressure or diabetes, just because it isn’t “physically” apparent it is there! If you feel something is not right trust your gut, ask for help, connect with like-minded people, don’t listen to the negative comments, get the help you need, get the help you deserve. Get better for yourself. You are not the only one going through this, ask for the help you deserve and you will find a group of mums ready to pick you up and support you through it all.
We have been there and we will help you always.